Letter From Santa: Iraq Mission
001 North Pole Way
North Pole, Arctic Circle 00001
RE: Christmas Travel Conditions/Restrictions in Iraq
Dear Mr. Ducks:
Pursuant to your letter of concern dated 15DEC2006, I am happy to inform you that the rumors "reported" by MSNBC are entirely untrue: I will, in fact, be performing my usual duties for all the good boys and girls supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom this year, as always.
To address your specific concerns about existing conditions in Iraq and how they may impact my mission, please be advised of the following:
- While travel in Iraq airspace is still heavily restricted as you mentioned, I have enjoyed a solid and long-standing relationship with the US Air Force that exempts me from any problems in this regard. In fact, they have once again generously offered me close air support in conjunction with my mission ("eliminating" the bad boys and girls makes my job a whole lot easier!).
- While I can certainly relate to your frustrations with the US State Department bureaucracies and their ridiculous Catch-22 badging requirements, the issue of badging is no problem for me, I assure you. As you've no doubt read in the New York Times by now, my elves are firmly entrenched in the right wing-warmongering-Halliburton-neocon-Jewish-blood-for-oil-Zionist cabal/network/conspiracy at the Pentagon, and have therefore successfully "secured" a DOD badge for me (Rummy's last act as SECDEF, which I'm sure will earn him a hearing before Speaker Pelosi, come January). Thanks to the evil machinations of my elves, I should have no problems spreading the Spirit of Christmas to all the US bases in Iraq, Afghanistan, and the rest of the world - no sweat.
- Yes, we all recall with a sense of disturbing sadness the events that took place a few years ago in Tikrit. To this day I swear I only turned my back on Rudolph for a minute, and it was like those pious Muslim goat herders just appeared from nowhere! Well, although Rudolph's entire face did glow red for weeks after the "encounter," the compassionate advice from the folks at the crisis hotline was just in the nick of time. Predictably, the other reindeer once again laughed and called him names for a while (Rudolph the Red-Faced "rape-deer", etc.), but I assure you that subsequent group therapy sessions have fully restored his pride and confidence in his own sexuality (although he still insists on dimming his nose while over Islamic airspace, so as to never again be accused by a Sharia Court of "begging for it").
- Certainly, Mr. Bolton did inform me of Resolution 1683 -- he definitely gets a new Prozac prescription in his stocking this year for his help. A joint resolution submitted by the wise leaders of Iran and France, UN1683, denies my existence while paradoxically seeking to ban my activities in Islamic countries on the absurd grounds of "cultural imperialism" (there's just never a shortage of self-defeating logic at the UN, is there?). They have generously scheduled me for a hearing on the matter sometime in the year 2065. At that time I shall remind the UN (if it still exists by then; I know I'll be here) that there are remnants of crushed minorities who still secretly celebrate Christmas in all these Islamic countries, and as people afflicted with oppressive and humiliating "dhimmi" status under the scimitar of Islamic Sharia Law, it is they who are most in need of Good Will and Christmas Cheer! I'm confident that the morally pure and eternally sophisticated folks at the UN will listen, don't you think? Besides, it's not like they have the forces necessary to stop an old fat man and his loyal midget squad from doing anything. No matter: if the UN fails to see my point of view, I'll just ignore them -- like everyone else does.
- You're right: the threat of direct attack against me by Muslim jihadists is a concern I always take seriously. It doesn't help that everyone on the planet knows the precise date of my mission. However, please bear in mind that I have been dodging and weaving these guys for longer than you could possibly imagine. If you think their behavior is something new, I implore you to read some books by Robert Spencer, Bat Ye'or, and other good boys and girls. On the other hand, while threats against me and everything I stand for are a serious matter indeed, the fact is I have known every one of the brave men and women of the US Armed Forces since the day they were born (and they all certainly made my "Good" list this year - with much room to spare). Like them, I consider danger and threats and terrorists and IEDs and fatwas and jihads and everything else as just a part of doing my job. And always remember this: NOTHING can defeat my mission to spread the joy of Christmas to the best and the bravest of the world. That means where the US Military goes, I go - period.
In closing, thanks again for your concern and passing to me some useful ground intel about restrictions and conditions in Iraq -- always vital for planning missions in hostile territory. And of course, thanks also for not listening to the despicable rumors about me being spread by the MSM. Now I know how the USMC feels!
My rosy cheeks shouldn't fool anyone: it takes a heck of a lot more than lazy journalists, misguided bureaucrats, pious perverts, absurd elites, and bloodthirsty jihadists to stop good 'ol Santa Claus.
PS: If you really want that RPG launcher, you better start calling your mom more often. - SC