Letter From Santa: Iraq Mission

From the Desk Of:

Santa Claus
001 North Pole Way
North Pole, Arctic Circle 00001

RE: Christmas Travel Conditions/Restrictions in Iraq

Dear Mr. Ducks:

Pursuant to your letter of concern dated 15DEC2006, I am happy to inform you that the rumors "reported" by MSNBC are entirely untrue: I will, in fact, be performing my usual duties for all the good boys and girls supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom this year, as always.

To address your specific concerns about existing conditions in Iraq and how they may impact my mission, please be advised of the following:

• While travel in Iraq airspace is still heavily restricted as you mentioned, I have enjoyed a solid and long-standing relationship with the US Air Force that exempts me from any problems in this regard. In fact, they have once again generously offered me close air support in conjunction with my mission ("eliminating" the bad boys and girls makes my job a whole lot easier!).
  
• While I can certainly relate to your frustrations with the US State Department bureaucracies and their ridiculous Catch-22 badging requirements, the issue of badging is no problem for me, I assure you. As you've no doubt read in the New York Times by now, my elves are firmly entrenched in the right wing-warmongering-Halliburton-neocon-Jewish-blood-for-oil-Zionist cabal/network/conspiracy at the Pentagon, and have therefore successfully "secured" a DOD badge for me (Rummy's last act as SECDEF, which I'm sure will earn him a hearing before Speaker Pelosi, come January). Thanks to the evil machinations of my elves, I should have no problems spreading the Spirit of Christmas to all the US bases in Iraq, Afghanistan, and the rest of the world - no sweat.
  
• Yes, we all recall with a sense of disturbing sadness the events that took place a few years ago in Tikrit. To this day I swear I only turned my back on Rudolph for a minute, and it was like those pious Muslim goat herders just appeared from nowhere! Well, although Rudolph's entire face did glow red for weeks after the "encounter," the compassionate advice from the folks at the crisis hotline was just in the nick of time. Predictably, the other reindeer once again laughed and called him names for a while (Rudolph the Red-Faced "rape-deer", etc.), but I assure you that subsequent group therapy sessions have fully restored his pride and confidence in his own sexuality (although he still insists on dimming his nose while over Islamic airspace, so as to never again be accused by a Sharia Court of "begging for it").
  
• Certainly, Mr. Bolton did inform me of Resolution 1683 -- he definitely gets a new Prozac prescription in his stocking this year for his help. A joint resolution submitted by the wise leaders of Iran and France, UN1683, denies my existence while paradoxically seeking to ban my activities in Islamic countries on the absurd grounds of "cultural imperialism" (there's just never a shortage of self-defeating logic at the UN, is there?). They have generously scheduled me for a hearing on the matter sometime in the year 2065. At that time I shall remind the UN (if it still exists by then; I know I'll be here) that there are remnants of crushed minorities who still secretly celebrate Christmas in all these Islamic countries, and as people afflicted with oppressive and humiliating "dhimmi" status under the scimitar of Islamic Sharia Law, it is they who are most in need of Good Will and Christmas Cheer! I'm confident that the morally pure and eternally sophisticated folks at the UN will listen, don't you think? Besides, it's not like they have the forces necessary to stop an old fat man and his loyal midget squad from doing anything. No matter: if the UN fails to see my point of view, I'll just ignore them -- like everyone else does.
  
• You're right: the threat of direct attack against me by Muslim jihadists is a concern I always take seriously. It doesn't help that everyone on the planet knows the precise date of my mission. However, please bear in mind that I have been dodging and weaving these guys for longer than you could possibly imagine. If you think their behavior is something new, I implore you to read some books by Robert Spencer, Bat Ye'or, and other good boys and girls. On the other hand, while threats against me and everything I stand for are a serious matter indeed, the fact is I have known every one of the brave men and women of the US Armed Forces since the day they were born (and they all certainly made my "Good" list this year - with much room to spare). Like them, I consider danger and threats and terrorists and IEDs and fatwas and jihads and everything else as just a part of doing my job. And always remember this: NOTHING can defeat my mission to spread the joy of Christmas to the best and the bravest of the world. That means where the US Military goes, I go - period.

In closing, thanks again for your concern and passing to me some useful ground intel about restrictions and conditions in Iraq -- always vital for planning missions in hostile territory. And of course, thanks also for not listening to the despicable rumors about me being spread by the MSM. Now I know how the USMC feels!

My rosy cheeks shouldn't fool anyone: it takes a heck of a lot more than lazy journalists, misguided bureaucrats, pious perverts, absurd elites, and bloodthirsty jihadists to stop good 'ol Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas,

Santa

PS: If you really want that RPG launcher, you better start calling your mom more often. - SC

Getting 'Eyes On' Iran

If it's one thing I've learned in over 2 years of construction management in Iraq, it's that you must get 'eyes on' something in order to know what the real status is. Ask an Iraqi how much progress has been made on constructing a building, and he'll say they are hanging the curtains and painting the doorframes as we speak. Go see for yourself, and you'll be lucky if they've poured the foundation yet.

Middle Eastern Muslims, such as Iraqis, have some fairly well developed traits, none more refined and pervasive than the trait of Deception. Their first instinct when confonted with possible embarrassment or the loss of something (like money) is to lie. They lie to each other, to Westerners, to the press, to their relatives, to bosses, to subordinates, to everybody. It is simply a way of life here, where wisdom is considered to be never revealing the truth about yourself, and always being able to determine what your opponent is trying to conceal. Lying is accepted and normal in the Muslim Middle East.

Which leads us to Iran. America's opinion is that Iran is developing its nuclear capability in order to manufacture nuclear weapons to be used against, well, whomever. Iran claims its work on nuclear energy is for strictly peaceful public energy purposes, and it has absolutely no intention to develop nuclear weapons.

So how do we find out the truth once and for all?

Simple: Get American 'eyes on' Iran, and focus the debate on that fact.

We should not make the same mistake we did in Iraq, asserting that the weapons of concern actually exist. Rather, we must state that the problem is the lack of transparency concerning Iranian capability and intent. We must not insist that we know about their programs; we must insist that we do not know, and that is the problem.

Does this mean we must admit we do not trust anything that comes out of the mouth of Iranian Presidents and Ayatollahs? You bet.

Why do we not make the same demands of other countries, like Finland or Fiji or Belize? Because none of those countries have routinely funded global terrorism; none of those countries have secretly developed nuclear sites for over a decade; none of those countries have procalimed America as the Great Satan and stormed our embassies; none of those countries have vowed to the world to implement a myriad of supremacist, violent, and fanatical religious beliefs; and none of those countries have claimed a divine right to wipe neighboring countries "off the map".

Being modern Westerners, we must provide Iran with the opportunity to avoid war, and we can do this by announcing that we will be inspecting any and all Iranian facilities and areas that concern us. We should not ask for inspections, we should simply declare that they are going to occur. If the Iranians choose to consent to inspections, then war can be avoided - the choice is theirs.

Assuming consent [insert laughter here], we send a very large inspection team to Iran divided into a multitude of squads. Each squad of inspectors will be self sufficient and deployed to the facility of their choice, without warning, and be provided with unfettered access to it. Once a site is 'cleared', they will camp out and never leave that site until America has fully addressed all areas of concern within Iranian territory.

As soon as our inspectors smell obstruction, obfuscation, deceit, resistance, or anything of the kind, they are all immediately recalled. This will not be like the yo-yo inspections at the end of Saddam's digits that plagued us in the 90s. The fact is, if there is nothing to hide, and consent has been given, then there is no reason to obstruct - ever. And it is under that premise that we must operate.

But the overwhelming likelihood is that Iran would never allow this, claiming injured pride, sovereignty issues, unfair harassment, racism, Islamophobia, yadda...yadda...yadda. But none of that will matter, because ours would not have been a request for inspections; it would have been a declaration of inspections.

Assuming refusal of consent, we send in our inspection teams anyway, just after our military has devastated their armies and government, and just before our demolition teams arrive to destroy any technical capability Iran may still have beyond manufacturing butter, turbans, and sandals.

The problem is not what we know; it's what we do not know. We simply must get 'eyes on' Iran, and how we go about doing so is entirely up to the Iranians.

This is how the debate over Iranian nukes should be framed.

Putting a Lid on Islamic Jihad

The threat posed to the West (and the rest of the world) by Islam is assumed by some to be a simple misunderstanding, while others see it as a portent of imminent apocolypse.

But the truth lies in between. There is very little mystery to Islam, for what defines it is the behavor of its adherents, the words of its leaders, the example of its prophet, and the text of its holy scriptures. Any reasonable study of all of these things reveals that Islam is very consistent and very simply defined:

Islam is a religion dependant on oppression for its survival, and warfare for its expansion.

What we are witnessing today is merely a continuation of the 1,350-year-old Islamic tradition. The big question is, how do we minimize the damage to the West from this very large and aggressive religion?

IMPOSE TRUCE; DO NOT SEEK VICTORY

Step 1: Recognition of the Situation

Most Westerners recoil at the idea of a 21st-century religious war. But that is exactly what we are in, for it is always the aggressor in any conflict that determines the causes and justifications of it. The target of these aggressions simply has no say in the matter. So the first step is to simply recognize that Islam is now actively engaged in holy war (jihad) against us. It is not mere coincidence that the last thing heard before every single jihadist explosion is Allah Akbar! That the jihadist say this is a religious war, makes it so.

Step 2: Know the Enemy

The West thinks of Islam as a religion like any other. In fact, it is unique in its aggressiveness and militancy. Islam understands submission (the English translation of the word "Islam"), blood, force, trauma, pain, oppression, destruction, power, and conquest. It does not accept freedom, pluralism, diversity, multiculturalism, individual rights, free press, or liberty. However, it does understand these Western concepts as much as it needs to in order to exploit them against the West.

In order to convince an aggressive enemy of anything, one must understand what he values and one must speak his language. Then one must make it completely clear to him - in his language - that his aggression will always result in the loss of what he values.

Step 3: Respect the Enemy

How many wars throughout history have been lost by "superior" forces, as a result of lack of respect for the enemy?

Middle Eastern Muslims coming out of their mudhuts and burning Danish flags over a bunch of cartoons seem like adolscent lunatics to us. The ease with which our military cuts through their armed forces (when found in the open) makes them seem amatuerish at best.

But beware: No one understands that war is deception better than Islamists, as Mohammed himself declared it so in the 7th century. Middle Eastern Muslims - Arabs in particular - are remarkable in being able to size up an opponent or enemy of any sort, whether in trade, socially, religiously, politically, or in warfare.

These skills have been developed by these people for literally thousands of years, and it is no accident that half of the Western political spectrum is completely and utterly fooled by them. They are experts at knowing exactly what you want and getting you to believe that they will give to you. But they never, ever will without a fight.

Step 4: Timing Is Everything

Islamic jihad may ultimately be "defeated" by liberal (in the classical sense) Western culture. But the idea that Islam - the religion of over a billion people on earth - can be "destroyed" militarily is simple genocide, and thus inconceivable to the Western mind (and only the Western mind, BTW).

Although we can never make Muslims, such as they are, give up their mandate of jihad against the infidel West, we can convince them to suspend it for periods of time. Such "truces" are actually discussed in the Koran, and gives Islam the ability to pick and choose the timing of its battles. Like any blueprint for war, the Koran recognizes that there will be periods where fighting is strategically or tactically unwise. Jihadists are aggressive, but they are far from stupid.

This is precisely why Muslims dared not attack the West on Western soil during the colonial or imperial periods of the 17th - mid-20th centuries. They understood very well that Western military capabilities were vastly superior to theirs. More importantly (and a lesson for today), they understood that the West was more than willing to use the full force of its militaries in the event of an attack. Can you imagine the response to an Islamic bomb plot against Napoleon's Louvre or Teddy Roosevelt's White House? The Muslims could too, so they didn't dare try.

What changed, and what Islamists picked up on instantly, was that the West became unwilling to respond to force with force. Having the keenest of keen senses to sniff out weakness, Islamists started attacking Westerners right about the time the West began losing wars because of home-grown "peace" sentiments. The news that, despite our vastly superior military capability, the West was unwilling to use it, was received as a divine sign for Muslims to re-ignite the ever present fuse of Islamic jihad.

Islam's assessment of Western weakness, as usual, was spot on. They were further emboldened by unanswered attacks on Westerners in Tehran 1979, Beirut 1982, Somalia 1992, and so on. And even today, in Iraq and Afghanistan, our attempts to "win the hearts and minds" of Muslims by fighting and dying on their behalf, bestowing material treasures upon them, and trying to impose very Western concepts of political freedom on them, are not received as we might wish to believe. In the Muslim mind, we are not teachers trying to show a "better way", nor are we oppressors trying to assault Islam: we are tenuous infidels, treading lightly on Muslim soil, out of fear and respect for Islam.

Step 5: Make Them Stop

In order to, like a cancer, put Islam in "remission", we must act, and act in the only manner that they understand and respect: violence. Our response to Islamic terrorism, successful or thwarted, small or massive, on home soil or internationally, must be swift, brutal, and decisive.

1. Relieve ourselves of vulnerabilty by ending our economic dependence on any Islamic goods, especially oil. Better to do this on our own terms, than to be at the mercy of Islamic countries for any perceived grievance that flares up due to world events. This can be started by drilling ANWR and building the best, safest energy sources known to man - nuclear power plants. I'm sorry, but the caribou will have to take a back seat for a while.

2. Every leader of an Islamic country must be made to realize that, if associated with a jihadist threat against the West, he will lose his power in his country; his armies will be destroyed; his secret programs will be discovered; and anything he has of value will be carried off. There will be no reconstruction plan; there will be no attempts at "democracy".

His country will be up for grabs, at which point, our victorious forces leave. We will no longer pursue individuals or groups of jihad terrorists, but only their state sponsors. It is far too difficult for our intelligence agencies to effectively locate or penetrate the most prolific terrorists, by it is easy for us to identify the sponsors - just follow the money, then look at a map.

Some will say that such treatment of Islamic countries will make them hate us, and they will stop providing us with valuable help in the "War on Terror". 1) They already hate us, and 2) they will be much more motivated to stop their own terrorists when they realize it is they, not the terrorists, who will suffer for attacks against the West. The Saudi King and the Pakistani Dictator could have put a lid on their sources of terrorism long ago, if they really wanted to. This will make them really want to.

Europe, which has absorbed far too many unassimilated Muslims into her populations, will have to get tough, and start actively deporting anyone even remotely suspected of causing trouble. I would even go so far as manditory conscription of all Muslims of age residing in the West. They would be assigned to Muslim-only units, and fight in the religious war against Islamic jihad. If they fail to fight on behalf of their countries, they can be left in the ruins of their religious domain. The Western Muslim population issue could get ugly in many ways, but the extent of its ugliness is entirely dependent on the side they choose: their country or their religion.

3. One or two examples of this, and jihad terrorism goes into remission - guaranteed. And it is during remission, and only during remission, that jihadist ideology may be defeated, by the mass communication of alternative ideas that we are so used to in the West. This could take decades, or it could take centuries, or it could never happen.

But one thing is for certain: The only way to stop Islamic violence against the West, is to respond with disproportionate violence in dar al Islam. Only when Muslims are convinced that violence is not effective against us, will they be willing to consider Western ideas of "tolerance" and "understanding", if they ever do. Over time, they may drop the violent aspects of their ideology completely, in which case they will likely cease to be Muslims.

If that happens, good riddance to bad rubbish.

Defining the Religion of Peace

In the arena of ideas concerning Islam and Islamic terrorism, the debate rages between two camps essentially divided by two opposing beliefs:

Islam is a religion of peace.

Islam is a religion of violence.

There is good reason for such debate on the matter. On the one hand we have every Muslim cleric, every leader of an Islamic country, and even common Muslim individuals seemingly expressing the most sincere appreciation and desire for peace. And on the other hand we have Muslim militants crashing planes into buildings, shooting schoolchildren in the back, and blowing themselves up at cafes.

So, are the clerics and leaders and common Muslims lying about the peaceful nature of their own religion? Can they not see the obvious contradiction between claiming to be peaceful and planning suicide attacks on civilians?

The answer to both these questions is: no. Islam is, in fact, a religion of peace.

The confusion rests in the how Islamists define "peace", versus how Westerners define it.

Westerners essentially define peace as tolerance of disagreement between people. It assumes that disagreements among people or groups or countries are acceptable and unavoidable, and thus focuses on minimizing only the violence that may be caused by disagreements.

This definition of peace is predicated on the idea that disagreements between people can be addressed fairly under the reasoned rule of law; that disagreeing parties will value the rule of law above their own grievances; and that they will accept a level of disagreement with others on the basis of mutual desire to avoid violent conflict. Hence, the high regard the West places on ideas like "pluralism" and "diversity" and "tolerance".

But we in the West have forgotten that there is another, much older, means of achieving peace: eliminating disagreement.

The Islamic idea of world peace is predicated on achieving unchallenged supremacy over the world. All (surviving) non-Muslims will duly conform to their divine status as dhimmis and pay their divinely-mandated jizya taxes without a fuss. With Islam as the undisputed, unchallenged authority over the world, peace would reign at last, and it is precisely this definition of "peace" that devout Muslims pray for, five times daily.

Furthermore, Koranic prophecy states that when earthly Muslims achieve Islam's dominance over the world, the world will at last be fit for Allah Himself, and He will come down from Heaven and reinstate Paradise on Earth. So to that end, Muslims are compelled by religious belief to remove all barriers throughout the world that impede the supreme ascendance of Islam - a drive towards "peace", as Muslims might say.

This active "removal of barriers" towards ultimate Islamic hegemony, and resultant peace, is the true motivation and meaning of Islamic jihad.

If all of this sounds to you like just "hokey" religious fairy tales, then you are a Westerner. One must remember that, while the West has for centuries placed its own religious beliefs up for criticism and scrutiny, the Islamic Orient has no such tradition. Lost are the heads of those rare Muslims throughout history who dared criticize in any way the verbatim words of Allah as written in the Holy Koran. Indeed, the core axiom of Islam is a literal interpretation of the Koran, with only marginal debate concerning the Hadith (the eyewitness chronical of every action and utterance of the Koran's "Ideal Man", Mohammed).

Thus, the Muslim who beheads or subjugates that last free-thinking infidel will have eliminated all religious and ideological disagreement with Islam, finally achieving the ultimate Islamic imperative - World Peace.

Crashing skyscrapers in New York, bullet-riddled children in Beslan, exploded planes over Scotland, and beheaded contractors in Iraq, are all merely Islam's way of asking the rest of us to "give peace a chance."

Open Letter to Islamic Jihad

Mr. Jihad:

I very much regret to inform you, and all your sympathizers and supporters, of the following:

I believe you must be destroyed completely. I believe the concerted effort towards your destruction, by the simultaneous application of reasoned persuasion, applied coersion, and violent extermination, should not cease until you cease to exist.

I believe this because I believe you have proven yourself to be a very clear and dangerous threat to innocent, non-Muslim people around the world. This is proven to me by the violent and supremacist content of your holy texts, the consistently aggressive and hateful interpretations of those texts by your scholars over the last 15 centuries, and the violent, murderous, barbaric, and deceitful actions of your adherents - past and present.

It is proven to me that you are an abhorrent ideology of violent expansion, barbaric warfare, perpetual deception, appalling slavery, vicious brutality, and aggressive supremacy. It is proven to me that you seek to impose oppressive Islamic Law upon the rest of the entire world via your consistently violent and expansionist character.

These are my beliefs, and I am horrified by them. I am horrified that, in the 21st century, it is still necessary for anyone to harbor such beliefs. I am horrified that such beliefs have been foisted upon me by relics of the 7th century. I am horrified that the devout among you have perpetrated persistent, vicious attacks around the world, which have convinced me of my beliefs. I am horrified that so few members of your 'civilization' truthfully seek an end to such acts of aggression and murder. I am horrified that members of my Civilization, who should be conducting peaceful and productive lives, will instead have to expend much of their lives - too often sacrificing their lives - in defensive conflict against your perpetually violent and aggressive forces.

I am always horrified by killing, even killing something like you.

But know this: I am horrified by my beliefs, but I flatly reject yours. I am alerted by you, but I am not intimidated. I have been terrorized by your acts, but I do not fear you. You have chillingly told me that your love of death will defeat my way of life. And of your love of death I say, 'tis a good thing for you.

Because although I have no quarrel with your beliefs of spiritual things unseen - the name you choose for God, your choice of words in addressing Him, your tales of Angels, Prophets, and Demons - I adamantly reject your ideological beliefs concerning the very real world we share. Those beliefs of yours that pollute, denigrate, disgrace, and threaten to destroy the rest of us, are my only concern. And if separation of the spiritual and ideological is not possible for you to comprehend, then this failure on your part shall mean the destruction of both.

For I am Freedom - The Lion of the World. I am confident, but my belly is full and I am lazy. So it is with one who is so successful, so accomplished, and such the envy of mere hyenas like you. You have nipped at my tail and tugged at my ears, and I have swatted you in restrained annoyance. But now you challenge my very existence, and you seek to destroy my offspring and lay waste to my domain.

Congratulations, you have at last gained my attention. Now I must devour you.

A Cozy Place to Rant

I found that I simply don't have the time to keep up my own blog. But I do find that there's always time to dig deep, spout off, and wax political at the AUTONOMIST.

Hope to see you there,

orangeducks

Rookie Maneuver

As a free and independent mind living in a 'red zone' of Baghdad, Iraq, I'd like to welcome one and all to my humble test page.

My intent will be to post random observations of the scene here, as well as commentary on US and world politics and culture.

First, I must figure out what the hell I'm doing. I've never blogged or posted or linked or anything else of that nature. The web for me has been a great place to e-mail, read news and opinion, and buy tons of movies from Amazon.

So we'll see how it goes...